I appreciate your post and hope that our social and religious institutions can somehow reduce the burden they place on men. I also hope that all people, men included, see that who they are isn’t defined by outside circumstances but rather understanding their lives as important to themselves and their communities.
Thank you so much, Leon! It’s so important to have a conversation about this. My own son, Kyle, took his life at age 22 in 2021, and he was suffering a lot of those issues. He attempted from 2014 to 2021, so this issue is close to my heart. Men need to feel they can open up more. ❤️❤️💔
I work as a chaplain in the US Army. I joined at 46 (imagine boot camp at that age 😵💫) just to try to impact the suicide issue rate. In my brief stint in that world, you’ve nailed it here. I’ve only ever handled one female suicide. The weight and pain and burden is real. And it has little to nothing to do with military life IMO. Rather, the military often seems to be a place where men think they can find redemption for themselves, even from themselves. Which only tends to exacerbate the preexisting problems you outline here. Genius work here. Thanks for YOUR service.
Thanks so much! Boot camp at 46… I’m 44 and my bones hurt thinking about it.
It’s fascinating what you said about the military exacerbates problems that already exist. I guess if you add to that the horrors of war, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
The police had a very macho culture when I was there. It took the societal stereotypes about what it means to be a “real man” and made them even stronger. You couldn’t open up for fear of being seen as weak and having a mark on your permanent record. I wonder if the military is a similar environment.
I think this article is one of the most important things I’ve read in a long time regarding the commonality of men, masculinity, suicide and the issue of self worth, in lots of men in today’s society. It’s great to hear Leon, you bringing these issues into the open, as like you say, there can be such a stigma in speaking about these things. Like you I also feel that the route to a better mental health for myself - as well as others who live with feelings of shame, self-worth issues, loneliness and suicidal thoughts - is to find that sense of inner peace you speak of. I know that this is something I’ve searched for, as I’ve suffered and struggled from all these paradoxical thoughts and feelings around masculinity and what it means to be a man most of my life too.
Thanks so much and thank you for sharing your experience. I find we spend so much time trying to work out what it means to be a man, that we forget to think about what it means to be ourselves.
I think things are getting better. We don't need to be "tough guys" anymore to appease society. There is more nuance.
Thank you so much for such a heartfelt and compelling article. It’s the best one I’ve read on suicide for a long time.
I’m ex services and I know about male toughness and macho image, especially working within a male dominated culture.
I saw first hand how some male colleagues whilst showing bravado, were actually quite sensitive but I knew that they couldn’t show their ‘softness’ for fear of reprisal and being outcast by their male contemporaries . In those days it was all about macho image and fitting in with colleagues, which must have been such a burden for some of them.
Sadly a male colleague committed suicide in 1970 (when I was in my early 20’s) and it rocked the whole organisation. We didn’t see it coming.
There was not much awareness of suicide at all back then. It just wasn’t openly discussed.
So thank you once again for your amazing article and your honesty. And thanks for your service and ongoing invaluable help.
Thanks so much. Your comment means the world to me. I'm sorry to hear about your son. Words can't do justice to that kind of pain. I hope you find a way through.
Thanks for posting this man. More men need to listen to their inner selves and not be ashamed to seek help. Let’s look out for each other.
I appreciate your post and hope that our social and religious institutions can somehow reduce the burden they place on men. I also hope that all people, men included, see that who they are isn’t defined by outside circumstances but rather understanding their lives as important to themselves and their communities.
Excellent article. I’ve passed it on to some family members. Thank you! 🙏
Thanks so much!
You’re welcome!!! Keep writing! 🎉
Leon,
This is an incredible post and provides significant insight. I can see myself quite clearly in several of these categories.
Awesome that you had the courage and strength to work the suicide help line. That's an extraordinary level of service
M
I’m coming through a really rough period, and this piece hits hard. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Leon! It’s so important to have a conversation about this. My own son, Kyle, took his life at age 22 in 2021, and he was suffering a lot of those issues. He attempted from 2014 to 2021, so this issue is close to my heart. Men need to feel they can open up more. ❤️❤️💔
So sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing such a tragic story.
Thank you, Leon! ❤️
I do hope more sharing about these topics supports more in asking and getting the support they need.
I work as a chaplain in the US Army. I joined at 46 (imagine boot camp at that age 😵💫) just to try to impact the suicide issue rate. In my brief stint in that world, you’ve nailed it here. I’ve only ever handled one female suicide. The weight and pain and burden is real. And it has little to nothing to do with military life IMO. Rather, the military often seems to be a place where men think they can find redemption for themselves, even from themselves. Which only tends to exacerbate the preexisting problems you outline here. Genius work here. Thanks for YOUR service.
Thanks so much! Boot camp at 46… I’m 44 and my bones hurt thinking about it.
It’s fascinating what you said about the military exacerbates problems that already exist. I guess if you add to that the horrors of war, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
The police had a very macho culture when I was there. It took the societal stereotypes about what it means to be a “real man” and made them even stronger. You couldn’t open up for fear of being seen as weak and having a mark on your permanent record. I wonder if the military is a similar environment.
Thanks for all you do!
My brother was a cop for years. Our stories about the subcultures are eerily similar.
I think this article is one of the most important things I’ve read in a long time regarding the commonality of men, masculinity, suicide and the issue of self worth, in lots of men in today’s society. It’s great to hear Leon, you bringing these issues into the open, as like you say, there can be such a stigma in speaking about these things. Like you I also feel that the route to a better mental health for myself - as well as others who live with feelings of shame, self-worth issues, loneliness and suicidal thoughts - is to find that sense of inner peace you speak of. I know that this is something I’ve searched for, as I’ve suffered and struggled from all these paradoxical thoughts and feelings around masculinity and what it means to be a man most of my life too.
Thanks so much and thank you for sharing your experience. I find we spend so much time trying to work out what it means to be a man, that we forget to think about what it means to be ourselves.
I think things are getting better. We don't need to be "tough guys" anymore to appease society. There is more nuance.
Hi Leon
Thank you so much for such a heartfelt and compelling article. It’s the best one I’ve read on suicide for a long time.
I’m ex services and I know about male toughness and macho image, especially working within a male dominated culture.
I saw first hand how some male colleagues whilst showing bravado, were actually quite sensitive but I knew that they couldn’t show their ‘softness’ for fear of reprisal and being outcast by their male contemporaries . In those days it was all about macho image and fitting in with colleagues, which must have been such a burden for some of them.
Sadly a male colleague committed suicide in 1970 (when I was in my early 20’s) and it rocked the whole organisation. We didn’t see it coming.
There was not much awareness of suicide at all back then. It just wasn’t openly discussed.
So thank you once again for your amazing article and your honesty. And thanks for your service and ongoing invaluable help.
Thanks so much. That macho culture was alive and well in the police back when I was there. I’m hoping it has faded in the years since.
Sorry to read of your colleagues suicide. That’s a heavy burden for you at such a young age. Did the organisation learn from that?
Thanks again.
Thanks Leon
Yes the organisation did take heed and created a welfare department to offer staff therapy as well as organisational advice/ support.
Thank you for sharing this Leon.
Our son took his own life in 2008, at the age of 21. The absolute devastating impact of his death, on my family and beyond, is felt on a daily basis.
It is a very tough subject to tackle and I thank you for your service to people like my son and indeed myself.
BW
Paul
Thanks so much. Your comment means the world to me. I'm sorry to hear about your son. Words can't do justice to that kind of pain. I hope you find a way through.
The years get easier Leon but the pain never stops.
I can only imagine.
Thank you for this Leon. If you like further pieces on trauma here’s one of my recent posts: https://substack.com/@elizabethmaxwell04