I know I have bad coping mechanisms, some listed here, but have always been high functioning so it’s hard to get help. This was a very good read, thank you for writing and I’m sorry you suffered so much 🙏
Another great read, great points, I relate to all except the risk taking and I'm getting professional help but learning to be present and stop dissociating all the time is hard. I'm struggling again with social isolation/agoraphobia too so getting out of the house let alone joining a gym again to get some exercise is beyond hard.
I'm glad you posted this. I've done all but maybe #5.
I wasn't aware of anything on the list before being treated, except for self medicating.
I used to go weeks and months without drinking and then when the internal pressure of keeping everything inside finally got to be too much I'd binge drink, be the myself I suppressed all the time, then wake up with a vulnerability hangover ( on top of the actual hangover). There was the inevitable...I'm not going to drink again...then the cycle would restart.
The other things were just life. Sleep, read, watch TV, make up stories, draw. Don't feel. I group most of those as ways I could have second hand emotions. Because I can't always cope with feeling my own...I borrow. Except sleep, where I just avoid the feelings.
I've been untangling them for years since I started therapy. I can recognize I'm doing them and try to deal with the thing triggering them...or I just bend and realize that sometimes I am not ready to face the thing, so reading a book to avoid stuff or sleeping is ok for now.
If it helps you...I've been working on the food thing and this is what is helping. I sat for months just noticing how I felt when I was eating my feelings....just recognizing what the eating my feelings sensation felt like. Then I would notice what food I was eating and try to figure out what it had in common. which was that it was either crunchy food or dessert. All of it was easy to grab carbs or rich desserts. Then I paid attention to how I felt after..did I get energy or did it make me tired. Once I could really feel that what I was eating was making me feel bad, I started going to the grocery and picking up one or two things to see if I could still eat my feelings, but with better food that satisfied the emotions but was healthier. I also noticed that I didn't feel as tired and portion sizes for everything magically got smaller. Every week I would audition different foods until I built up a decent amount of choices. I didn't write any of it down (that doesn't work for me and makes things worse) ...I just gave myself the permission to continue the behavior and time to explore the shape of it. It's taken months and months, but the slowness is making it stick. I also try to keep it as an in-the-present thing. I'm eating this way today. Tomorrow may be different. I'm not committing to a lifetime of doing this. A declaration of a lifetime commitment will just make me fail. I also live with my husband and kids so I took a space in the fridge and pantry that are just mine. Which was a bigger deal than I thought, mentally. I was giving myself permission to exist and to have things that were just for me... which were new concepts. It made a huge difference as I try to rebuild my world view that I'm actually worthy to exist in the world.
Thanks so much for this comment. It’s always been carbs and rich desserts for me too. It’s like the antipsychotics I started years ago kicked off a 24 hour craving for sugar.
Like you, I began noticing what it was doing to me. Not just the weight gain, but the acid reflux and the sheer uncomfortableness of being bloated after a binge.
I’m doing much better with this but I’m going to try your approach and gradually substitute one food at a time so I have easy and obvious alternatives to the sugar rush.
There's something they put me on for a short bit a few years ago, I think I gained 30 pounds in like 2 months. For as bad as my PTSD/anxiety is, meds are essential, but they also can mess with my system.
Some options I'll pass on that I didn't know about untill wandering the grocery store for a few weeks. Pre-packaged pomegranate seeds are really convenient to have around. Dried fruit that has no sugar added is surprisingly sweet and satisfying for me now, especially dried pineapple. Also, Freeze dried fruit which I didn't even know was a thing.
I really related to this. PTSD is so painful. I worked in a very stressful job for 20 years and found it wasn't worth it. Now I struggle with compound PTSD. I really have to live a simple life and find that I enjoy just being alone.
You can’t outrun pain. You can’t drink, sleep, or spend your way out of it. The only way is through.
Helped me self-reflect...Thanks for sharing
The numbing/dissociation that comes with trauma is huge. Thanks for explaining it all so well. Great read.
Great post Leon, Thank you!
I know I have bad coping mechanisms, some listed here, but have always been high functioning so it’s hard to get help. This was a very good read, thank you for writing and I’m sorry you suffered so much 🙏
Another great read, great points, I relate to all except the risk taking and I'm getting professional help but learning to be present and stop dissociating all the time is hard. I'm struggling again with social isolation/agoraphobia too so getting out of the house let alone joining a gym again to get some exercise is beyond hard.
Thanks! I'm really glad you are getting help. Totally understand about the gym. Sometimes just getting out of bed can be a huge accomplishment.
I'm glad you posted this. I've done all but maybe #5.
I wasn't aware of anything on the list before being treated, except for self medicating.
I used to go weeks and months without drinking and then when the internal pressure of keeping everything inside finally got to be too much I'd binge drink, be the myself I suppressed all the time, then wake up with a vulnerability hangover ( on top of the actual hangover). There was the inevitable...I'm not going to drink again...then the cycle would restart.
The other things were just life. Sleep, read, watch TV, make up stories, draw. Don't feel. I group most of those as ways I could have second hand emotions. Because I can't always cope with feeling my own...I borrow. Except sleep, where I just avoid the feelings.
I've been untangling them for years since I started therapy. I can recognize I'm doing them and try to deal with the thing triggering them...or I just bend and realize that sometimes I am not ready to face the thing, so reading a book to avoid stuff or sleeping is ok for now.
If it helps you...I've been working on the food thing and this is what is helping. I sat for months just noticing how I felt when I was eating my feelings....just recognizing what the eating my feelings sensation felt like. Then I would notice what food I was eating and try to figure out what it had in common. which was that it was either crunchy food or dessert. All of it was easy to grab carbs or rich desserts. Then I paid attention to how I felt after..did I get energy or did it make me tired. Once I could really feel that what I was eating was making me feel bad, I started going to the grocery and picking up one or two things to see if I could still eat my feelings, but with better food that satisfied the emotions but was healthier. I also noticed that I didn't feel as tired and portion sizes for everything magically got smaller. Every week I would audition different foods until I built up a decent amount of choices. I didn't write any of it down (that doesn't work for me and makes things worse) ...I just gave myself the permission to continue the behavior and time to explore the shape of it. It's taken months and months, but the slowness is making it stick. I also try to keep it as an in-the-present thing. I'm eating this way today. Tomorrow may be different. I'm not committing to a lifetime of doing this. A declaration of a lifetime commitment will just make me fail. I also live with my husband and kids so I took a space in the fridge and pantry that are just mine. Which was a bigger deal than I thought, mentally. I was giving myself permission to exist and to have things that were just for me... which were new concepts. It made a huge difference as I try to rebuild my world view that I'm actually worthy to exist in the world.
Thanks so much for this comment. It’s always been carbs and rich desserts for me too. It’s like the antipsychotics I started years ago kicked off a 24 hour craving for sugar.
Like you, I began noticing what it was doing to me. Not just the weight gain, but the acid reflux and the sheer uncomfortableness of being bloated after a binge.
I’m doing much better with this but I’m going to try your approach and gradually substitute one food at a time so I have easy and obvious alternatives to the sugar rush.
Thanks again.
There's something they put me on for a short bit a few years ago, I think I gained 30 pounds in like 2 months. For as bad as my PTSD/anxiety is, meds are essential, but they also can mess with my system.
Some options I'll pass on that I didn't know about untill wandering the grocery store for a few weeks. Pre-packaged pomegranate seeds are really convenient to have around. Dried fruit that has no sugar added is surprisingly sweet and satisfying for me now, especially dried pineapple. Also, Freeze dried fruit which I didn't even know was a thing.
The key for me is slow, slow, slow.
Good luck.
I really related to this. PTSD is so painful. I worked in a very stressful job for 20 years and found it wasn't worth it. Now I struggle with compound PTSD. I really have to live a simple life and find that I enjoy just being alone.
A simple life is really what it’s all about. I stay mentally healthy when I keep life simple.
This is very helpful! I did all of those coping mechanisms, I'm slowly learning healthier ones. Thank you for sharing.
My favorite part was when you said "find the courage to feel."