Here's What a Suicide Survivor Taught Me About Kindness
Practical ways to show you care.
Kevin Hines is part of a rare club. He survived a suicide attempt from the Golden Gate Bridge.
In the year 2000, aged 19, he was struggling with bipolar disorder. Like many desperate souls, he felt the allure of ending it at the bridge.
Since surviving that tragic day, Kevin has written a book titled “Cracked, Not Broken.” He mentions in the book that en route to the bridge, he silently begged for someone to notice his pain and ask if he was ok. This simple act of compassion would have been enough to save him.
Moments before his jump, he thought a miracle was about to happen. A woman approached him and smiled. But instead of asking if he was ok, she asked him to take her photo. This final act of maliciousness from the universe was too much, and he jumped.
After surviving the fall, Kevin dedicated his life to mental health advocacy. He emphasizes the power of reaching out and asking someone if they’re ok.
A moment of genuine concern may be enough to save a life.
The Ripple Effect of Compassion.
You have no idea how much good a simple act of kindness can create. You see the immediate effect, but you don’t see the consequences. One act of kindness can change the world.
A teacher in a small town noticed that a family nearby was struggling financially. She decided to share her homegrown vegetables with them. This was a lifeline to that family, but it didn’t stop there. The teacher’s gesture so moved them that they decided to start their own vegetable garden to share with others in need.
As the news spread around the community, it led to the creation of a community garden. Kind-hearted residents gave their time and effort to create a large garden for everyone’s benefit. Not only did the garden become a source of food for struggling families, but it represented a symbol of support and solidarity.
The teacher’s kind act sparked a community movement.
Understanding the signs of emotional distress.
I’ve seen emotional distress from both sides. As a police officer and volunteer at a suicide helpline, I saw people in emotional distress every day. At the same time, I was in distress of my own as a result of PTSD and schizophrenia for years.
Every case is different, but there are signs of distress that everyone should recognize:
Eating or sleeping too much or too little
At my worst, I slept for 15 hours a day. Even then, I only got up so that my family didn’t think I was dead. I did not desire to exist in the waking world; sleep was my only solace. Due to despair and medication, I also gained 85 pounds in a year. Food was a comfort to me while I ate it and a torture to me when I finished.
Anger or lashing out
The lowest point of my life was when I pushed my mother during an argument. Anger is always a secondary emotion. It masks fear, pain, and distress. Learn to look beyond the rage and find the suffering beneath.
Direct expressions of hopelessness
Often, people will tell you about their distress if you’re willing and able to listen. Suicidal people are ambiguous about dying right up until the final moment. They often drop hints about their intentions because they want someone to talk them out of it. Like Kevin, people are desperate for love and understanding. No one wants to meet an agonizing end drowning underneath a bridge. They want the pain to stop.
As a Samaritan volunteer, I asked hundreds of people if they wanted to die or just wanted the pain to end. Not a single person ever said they wanted to die. As inspirational as that is for those still alive, it adds to the tragedy of those already gone.
Not connecting with others
Social withdrawal is a big sign of distress. When overwhelmed and trapped, we withdraw. I spent most of my depressed years in my bedroom, where only my immediate family could talk to me. I had no friends, and I didn’t speak to anyone.
It’s ok to prefer your own company. It’s ok to need time alone. Withdrawal looks different from that. Withdrawal is a hostile rejection of the world. In combination with the other signs listed, it’s a red flag.
Having difficulty thinking or remembering
I gave up reading at my worst because I couldn’t remember what I’d read from one page to the next. It felt like my brain was wrapped in cotton wool. I’ve always been a sharp thinker, and my intelligence is my source of self-esteem. To become so zombified and forgetful was another cruel blow from mental illness.
By paying attention to the signs above, you don’t have to wait for someone to reach out for help. Knowledge enables you to be proactive.
Practical ways to show you care.
Now you understand the importance of kind gestures, here are some ways to let others know they matter:
Send a thoughtful message
Listen actively without judgment
Check in when you know they’re struggling
Make something special like a card or memory book
Follow up with them. Don’t make spending time with them a one-off
Be honest but not opinionated
Be willing to share your own vulnerability
Take care of some of their responsibilities
Bring a book or a movie to watch together
A word of caution — there is one thing worse than not caring at all, and that’s “performative kindness.” In all your interactions, you should strive to be authentic and sincere. Make sure your acts of kindness are genuine and not for show. The vulnerable person will spot your fakeness a mile away, and you won’t get a second chance.
The most crucial kind gesture of all.
Active listening saves lives. It’s a skill that anyone can learn. Once you learn this skill, you relinquish listening as a passive action. You’ll know how to take part in the conversation.
Most people only seem to be listening. They’re waiting for the other person to be quiet so they can start talking again.
The main ingredients of active listening are:
Holding back from giving unwanted advice or judgment
Asking open-ended questions for clarification
Good eye contact
An awareness of body language
Reflecting on what the other person has said
I used to work in a liquor store. It was even more dangerous than being a police officer. I worked alone, late at night. The area had the dubious honor of housing more pedophiles than anywhere else in Europe.
I started hearing from customers that there was a woman in the area who exposed herself and propositioned random men.
One night, the woman in question came into the store. She didn’t hesitate and asked me if I wanted to go home with her for sex. When she saw my reluctance, she tried to sweeten the deal with “whips and chains.” I declined, but another guy eagerly accepted and took his friend along for the experience.
A month later, I saw her again. This time, she was crying. I listened as she told me the root cause of her pain. She’d lost a baby to miscarriage, and it was haunting her.
Throughout our conversation, not a single customer came into the shop. I often wonder about that.
Instead of looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle, this woman had turned to sex to deaden her pain.
After that night, I never saw her again. She’d trusted me with her worst pain. Just me and her. Strangers sharing a profound moment amid a backdrop of alcohol and degradation. I hope not seeing her was a good thing and that she got her life in order.
As I said, active listening saves lives.
Conclusion.
Taking a few minutes to tell someone they matter can have a monumental impact.
Now you have the tools to make a difference in someone’s life, and I urge you to reach out and connect to people around you. Start fostering compassion and support in your local community. Do one good deed a day. Help someone in distress with no thought of reward. Be the change you want to see in the world.
You may not come across another Kevin Hines, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make someone’s day a little better.
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My son died by suicide. I tried to follow him several times. The pain was unbearable. Before he took that last fateful step he became quiet. I didn't see the signs and the guilt almost destroyed me. I wrote countless articles about it. The grief when losing your child to suicide is pure agony. I didn't think I would survive it.
Great article!
I would add that drugs and alcohol increase suicidality (they lower inhibition while also making the person feel trapped by addiction, with no other options of escape) and are often a big contributing factor, and therefore *very* complex to prevent. For anyone who has lost someone this way, or nearly lost them, it’s important to be kind to yourself, too: it’s a huge challenge to keep those people alive.