7 Simple and Effective Steps to Support a Loved One Suffering from Mental Illness
Be a light in the darkness.
Are you watching a friend or family member suffering from mental illness, yet don’t know how to help them? It’s a horrifying thing to witness and leaves you feeling powerless. There is only one thing worse than suffering mental illness yourself, and that is watching a loved one go through such pain.
Nonetheless, it is time to step up. When I was in the midst of a decade-long depression, my family saved my life. I would not be here now if not for their love and understanding. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to equip yourself with the knowledge to help them. You may be surprised that much of the advice sounds simple. Sometimes lives are saved just by caring.
As well as suffering my own mental health problems, I have been on the other side, talking to countless suicidal people through the Samaritans telephone service and as a police officer. I know what works.
1. Listen to Them.
This is the most crucial step on the list. Lives are saved just by the act of listening. The problem is that most people have no idea how to do it correctly. We think we do, but we just hear the words. You need to listen actively.
First, reassure your loved one that you’re there if they want to talk. Don’t try to force it because often, they won’t want to say anything. It has saved my life to be able to tell my mum or wife how I feel.
Give your loved one time to talk at their own pace. You may be more eager to help than they are to speak, and you need to pull back. Don’t pressure them, and don’t try to “solve” their problem. Allow them the space to be upset about what has happened and be brave enough to sit with them and share that pain without minimizing or fixing it.
Don’t make assumptions about how they feel. Every case is different. So ask them, let them tell you, but never assume.
Don’t dismiss their experiences. Phrases such as “it could have been worse” should be banned from all supportive spaces. Even more destructive is any attempt to interrogate them by asking or suggesting that they should have done something differently. They already feel bad enough without your Monday Morning Quarterbacking.
When I was most depressed, I suffered terrible anxiety and panic. My mum would take me for a slow walk with our dog, and I learned to tell her how I felt. She would always listen and say the perfect things that calmed me down and made my worst moments tolerable. My partner has the same ability. My dad sadly didn’t and would have benefited from this article.
It doesn’t matter if you have a “talent” for this stuff. You can learn it, and your love for the other person will guide you in expressing yourself.
2. Learn Their Triggers.
This is especially important with an illness such as PTSD or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Each person is different, so it will help to talk about situations or conversations that may trigger flashbacks, compulsions, or complicated feelings.
Maybe your loved one is distressed by arguments, loud sounds, or particular places. Understanding these triggers can help you avoid painful situations.
My primary triggers are related to places. Scenes where, as a police officer, I witnessed horror on an unimaginable level. Death and destruction in grotesque and unforgettable forms. I have not overcome these triggers, so I avoid the city where I used to work. Everyone close to me knows I cannot go there, and I live just fine without visiting.
The smell of death is a huge trigger that I don’t usually have to worry about. But on holiday in rural Scotland, I smelt a rotting sheep, which triggered a giant flashback. It caught me by surprise as I never expected to smell that odor again.
The point is that not everything has to be fixed or cured. Some things are permanently broken, no matter what your average “happy-go-lucky” therapist might say.
3. Plan for Tough Times.
Mental illness usually comes in waves. Sometimes, your loved one might be feeling better. During healthier periods, it can be helpful to ask what you can do to best support them if they become unwell again. It is a great time to ask them about their worst symptoms, signs to look out for, and triggers. You could make a plan together for how to cope.
As well as the practical benefits of being prepared, should your loved one relapse, you are showing how much you care. You are making a real effort to understand the person when they are at their worst, and this deep level of support will not be lost on them. One of the most crippling things about Depression, for example, is that the sufferer feels separated from humanity. Stuck behind a seemingly impenetrable wall, they learn the real meaning of gut-wrenching loneliness. This dividing wall weakens when people try their hardest to understand and care. If you keep at it, you may break through.
There is one caveat to the last paragraph. It is much worse to promise the world and fail to deliver than to take care of yourself and be honest about what you can do. You also need to think about how much you can cope with, and make sure you only offer the support you feel able to give.
4. Helping During a Flashback.
This tip is specific to those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. A flashback is a vivid experience in which the sufferer relives aspects of a traumatic event as if it were happening in real-time.
Flashbacks can be terrifying to watch, but you need to stay calm. Try gently telling them they are having a flashback and avoid doing anything sudden. Encourage them to breathe deeply. The key is to create a calm space while they are off in their world of pain.
My flashbacks were always the same. Images and videos began to play in my head, and I was no longer present, but back in 2003. I’d sob uncontrollably, curl up into a ball, and shake. They could last up to thirty minutes, and during that time, I was unreachable.
Eventually, the videos stopped repeating, and I came round. I’d be tired and zoned out, and it took time to return to reality. They’re a hellish experience because they ensure that you don't just see a death once, you see it a thousand times. With all this stress and misery, you must stay calm and let them come out of it naturally. I have never had epilepsy, but some of the advice I have seen regarding dealing with seizures seems to apply to flashbacks.
5. Respect Their Boundaries.
You may be desperate to follow your loved ones around, embrace them, and constantly affirm how much you care. However, people with mental illness often feel jumpy or on edge. They may be easily startled or continuously look for threats and danger.
You must avoid crowding the person. If you follow the advice in this article, they will know they can come to you when they need to. You don’t need to stifle them, touch or hug them without permission, or do anything that may startle or surprise them.
Sometimes, I want to be by myself. I never lose sight of the love I feel from my mum and partner, but when I feel overwhelmed, I need to be alone. After more than twenty years, they are experts in the delicate balancing act between caring and smothering, and you need to learn this too.
6. Look Out for Warning Signals.
Often, a person who has a mental illness cannot tell you how they are feeling. It will mean a lot to them if you notice the signs yourself. It shows you care.
You may see a change in their mood. Perhaps they are low, anxious, angry, or agitated. There may be a change in their performance at work, such as being late and missing deadlines. You may also notice a difference in energy levels, such as extreme alertness or a lack of concentration. If you see these things and gently ask how they are feeling, it may open a dialogue. Remember not to be pushy.
Before I was forced to leave my job as a police officer due to PTSD, my performance at work was suffering. My paperwork was terrible, my arrest rate was subpar, and my communication skills had hit rock bottom as I was sullen and withdrawn. Once praised as the most productive officer on my team, I was moved to another department.
My loved ones noticed I was sinking back into the hell of PTSD, even though we thought I’d been cured already. By spotting the signs, they could support me from an early stage.
7. Help Them to Find Professional Support.
Usually, the first step in getting support is taking your loved one to their doctor. He may prescribe medication or refer you to a therapist. In more extreme cases, he may refer you to a psychiatrist who will take the lead on future care.
Apart from the care given to me by my loved ones, medication is the other significant factor that has saved my life. If you have doubts about medication for mental health, it is important not to influence your loved one and the decision they make with their doctor. Anti-depressants and anti-psychotics indeed have side effects, and it may take a long time to find the right combination. But when they do, it can be a game-changer.
It took me years and a lot of different medications before I found the ones that worked for me without any severe side effects. Unfortunately, I cannot promise it will be a quick fix.
External support may not only benefit your loved one but also take the pressure off you as well. You don’t have to set yourself up as a sole carer and put yourself under all that pressure. It is better for all concerned if the person with a mental illness has a range of support measures.
You must look after yourself too.
Conclusion.
Watching someone you love struggling with mental illness is excruciating. Most likely, it is uncharted waters, and you may feel entirely out of your depth. The pressure to get everything right may feel immense, yet you don’t want to admit you are suffering too, because it sounds selfish — isn’t it all about them?
The answer is no. As a carer, you matter too. You are entitled to feel sad, horrified, frightened, and incompetent. You also need people to talk to.
You are no use to anybody if you become a broken, nervous wreck. But you also don’t deserve to become like that for your own sake. No matter what happens, you are more than just a carer. You are the same person with the exact needs as you were before your loved one became ill.
So, take the advice from this article on board, but do not allow mental illness to define you or your loved one. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, and know you are doing the best you can.
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This. Is. Essential. 🙏🏻✨
As always….love this ❤️